the ouch

the ouch, originally uploaded by jamie_derooy.

So I was walking outside today. Beautiful day, it seemed. The neighbour kids playing, the dog running around enjoying himself, the snow all white and drifty. Yes, this is a beautiful day. I've got my brand freakin new shoes on that I got for Christmas and heading out to get a stereo system for my computer. After all, the one I want is cheaper today and it's in stock. Things can't get much better than this.

Enter step to story. This step is one of four I use to exit my house on the side. We use this as the main door to our house and i've used these fine steps my whole life. They are the exact same steps that were there when I was born, actually. Nice good hard wood.

So I step out onto the small porch and take a deep breath of fresh air. Yes, this is a beautiful day. I extend my hand as a tiny little blue bird hands on my finger and starts whistling Jesus of Suburbia, a song by a band named Greenday. This only adds to the greatness to the day.

I take a step down, about to begin my pilgrimage when all of a sudden my foot hits the step and flies outward. Life turns to slow motion. Both feet come to a parallel with my upper body as I start my decent towards not puffy snow, not soft pillows, but hard wooden 20 year old steps. My arms lower as to help break the fall as my lower back slams into step number two and my tailbone slams into step number one. My left arm scrapes down a few steps and all is still and all is silent.

I think to myself, This is a beautiful day, why let this ruin it? You'll be perfectly fine. But then I utter my first words as my sister looks on. "FUCK!!!!!"

Now, 12 hours later my back hurts like someone ran a truck into it. Stupid Freakin Stair! Whoever invented ice surely didn't take stairs into consideration. But even worse, worse than the fall, worse than the sore back, is this scrape on my arm! I mean, right after it happened, it was all black and blue and red with small cuts and all full of broken skin layers! Now it's just a red mark. A RED MARK! IT LOOKED A HELL OF A LOT FUCKING COOLER THAN THIS FUCKING RED MARK!! Whoever invented bruises surely didn't take into account how much better this would have looked than a freakin red mark. Now i'll go into work tomorrow and say that I'm not lifting any freakin batteries because I had a fall. "was it a bad fall?" they'll ask...

"Here, look at my red mark on my arm! It was a doozie! Damn near killed me!" pfft. red mark.

And to top off the wonderfulness of it all, the stereo system, which I did get, has a speaker not working. it's dead. Nothing at all. Not even a freakin red mark.

Moral of the story: Either don't use any stairs on Boxing day or just use the freakin front door to leave the house, even if you have to push a christmas tree out of the way.